[ How To Be An Opera String Player ]

...a tongue-in-cheek commentary

by Katie Black Shields

Start playing at an early age- 10 at the latest.

Play an instrument worth tens of thousands. And that's just the instrument- the bow will be $4,000 and up; you'll need several of those.

Get several university degrees in music performance.

Along the way, get lots of experience: playing chamber music and symphony, teaching, playing summer festivals, musicals and sundry gigs (don't forget those "Singing Christmas Trees")

Win the audition!

Then:
Have a full day doing whatever you do (chasing children around, feeding dogs, grocery shopping).

Pack your instrument up with a sack dinner and cup of java. At 4:30 PM drop everything (not the java) to get in the car for the hair-raising drive to Tucson. Try not to spill the java on yourself on the trip. Workers comp will not cover burns until the rehearsal begins.

Arrive in Tucson. Jockey for a parking spot. Get out, sprint for the hall, snarf the dinner, and get yourself and your instrument into the pit. Don't trip on the cords or on the WW players. If they're already seated, you'll need to be airlifted to your seat as there's no path going there. If you trip and take a couple of them out, don't worry - they'll get workers comp.

Orient your chair and stand so you don't stab your stand partner OR smash your bow into the wall. (Personally, I use my fake bow these days. The ivory on my Ouchard can't be replaced if it gets cracked) Try to find a position for the instrument where you don't smash your scroll on the music stand. Now that you've found a position, lock it in place and stay just like that for the entire act. (For a list of recommended chiropractors, physical therapists and TMJ doctors see Appendix A).

Arrange your music on the stand. Unless you're wearing your headlamp, you'll have to slide it back/forth across the stand depending on which page you need to see. The light bulbs are not bright enough to illuminate both pages. And don’t worry if you can’t see the conductor from where you’re sitting. You can watch him on the bulky TV monitor that’s suspended over the pit and shakes when the audience applauds.

Set out your water bottle and the Altoids. You’ll need one Altoid for every 5 pages of Puccini; one for every 3 pages of Verdi, and 3 Altoids for each page of Strauss.

Concentrate with all your brain power for the entire act. Don't forget to play musically!

At the first intermission, unlock your bod. Phone your chiropractor and make an appointment. And don't complain! After all, you had 3 rests in the first act long enough to put down the viola! Chug another cup of java so you can concentrate.

Repeat 2x.

Have another cup of coffee so you'll be awake enough to drive home. After all, your carpool buds aren’t going to be any help-they’re going to fall asleep.
Cross your fingers that your kids will be asleep when you arrive, so you can turn in.

Maintain your instrument at your own expense. Bow rehairs are $75.00 each now. For each bow you own. Don't forget to pay your insurance premium!

My last one was $550.00.